Friday, February 18, 2011

The Big Mousse Nerf

George: I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me.
Jerry: 'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me', is that what you said?
Mousse prices are through the roof!
Are alliances stocking up for future conflicts?
This is the last straw CCP! While the new character creator and the Incursion PvE content were all over the blogs and forums there's been significant changes in game mechanics nobody seems to have noticed. And once again it's one of the honest PvP pilot's favorite tools that has been nerfed to uselessness during the last update.

Out of Bed had been my favorite hair goo for years now. It gave me the confidence and protection I needed to impress the chicks at the office and look good during all kinds of sticky combat situations. Now CCP has once again messed with the sensitive balance in the ecosystem without understanding the macro level outcomes!

Epic Mousse Fail
Last week I took off my helmet after a non stop 42 hour roam and I noticed I wasn't wearing the usual impressive crown of plush, but a greasy bathing cap made of hair. Even worse, I was very much looking like Miura Bull if he had been spanked hard after a hot date with a babe which ... I lost my train of thought. (Needless to say I failed to score that evening in the Reggae Lounge.)

After a few hours of research I discovered the formula for plushiness, durability and glitter had been changed. Why isn't this in the change logs? Why was there no prior discussion about this? What's the CSM's role in this wicked game of checkers?

Before you all ragequit, there's hope: Fortunately I found another mousse (Shock Wave Mess Constructor) that is able to satisfy my needs almost as good as Out of Bed did before the nerf. Also it comes in a red can which fits my security status way batter than baby blue!

Monday, February 14, 2011

PTS Low Security Space Patrol

Punisher Incident
(from Sobczynski Flight Protocol)
Lacking exciting stuff to report I decided to leak some confidential PTS low sec patrol flight reports from Sunday 13th 2011. Here we go:

Saturday, 2344: The Drakes Incident (Siside/Heimatar)
Pator Tech School (PTS) employee Sobczynski patrolling low sec notices two drakes harassing NPCs in a belt. Several attempts to separate and kite the offenders fail--incoming damage is surprisingly high. PTS equipment was damaged, but due to the extraordinary piloting skills employee Sobczynski gets his ship (Rupture) out alive every time. Finally a stern warning is issued to the criminal pilots through local.

Incident summary: Two or more Drakes can't be tanked in a Rupture.
Local chat evidence: [ 2011.02.13 00:06:06 ] Haoran Ning > lol

Cruor: Web and Neut FTW!
Sunday, 1250: Enemies at the Gate (Auga/Heimatar)
PTS employee Sobczynski was ambushed at the Amamake gate. PTS equipment (Rupture) and one enemy vessel (Crusader) destroyed.

Lesson learned (again): Avoid Auga/Amamake gate at all times. Even if you have to use the bathroom urgently.

Sunday, 1320: The Gate Gun Bug Report (Auga/Heimatar)
PTS employee Sobczynski loses PTS patrol vessel (SAR Rifter) due to a an error in Eve aggression mechanics. The bug causes gate guns to fire at PTS employees in case they attack a neutral target within gate gun range. CCP Quality Assurance has been informed.

Lesson learned: None!

Sunday, 1614: The Failed Stabber Fleet Issue Arrest (Aliette/Sinq Laison)
PTS employee Sobczynski fetches a Stabber Fleet Issue attempting to mind its own business. After several attempts to secure the Stabber Sobczynski decides to resort to the last step: Raw gun fire. But the enemies electronic counter measures lead to the destruction of a PTS Patrol Rupture.

Sunday, 1654: The Cruor Inspection Incident (Siseide/Heimatar)
A known offender refuses inspection of his Cruor. PTS employee Sobczynski insists. PTS equipment (Rifter) was destroyed.

Lesson learned: Check faction frigate boni before engaging.

I think I got a whiplash!
Sunday, 1751: The Failed Merlin Arrest (Siseide/Heimatar)
PTS employee Sobczynski's second attempt (using an Artillery Rifter) to arrest the Cruor pilot which was now using a Merlin fails after a long argument due to disruptor burnout. The offender fled the crime scene. Both vessels severely damaged. The offender refuses to pay his fine, legal department has been informed.

Log abstract: [ 2011.02.13 18:03:10 ] (notify) The module is too damaged to be onlined.

Sunday, 2017: The Vexor (Ezzara/Devoid)
PTS employee Sobczynski engaged a suspected NPC harasser and ore thief with his Rifter. The offending Vexor pilot failed to comply. Sobczynski's RL character's internet connection collapsed during the fight. PTS equipment severely damaged, repair facilities in Ezzara had to be used to restore the damaged PTS Patrol Rifter.

Sunday, 2211: The Punisher Incident (Egghelende/Sinq Laison)
PTS employee Sobczynski spotted a loitering Punisher pilot at a planet. After a rather long engagement the Punisher could be disposed of. Enemy reinforcements could be avoided.

Sunday, 2226: The Ishkur (Egghelende/Sinq Laison)
Another NPC harassment detected in an Egghelende belt. On approach PTS pilot Sobczynski's Rifter was shot at ruthlessly and had to disengage. The second attempt to resolve the issue by kiting the offender and defusing most of his Warrior II drones failed, because the Ishkur pilot managed to warp away before Sobczynski could close in for the final conciliation.

Lesson learned: While it's easy to pop webbed drones it's hard to keep the culprit pointed all the time.

Sunday, 2307: The Thorax (Amamake/Heimatar)
In a final desperate attempt to destroy his Rifter before midnight Sobczynski entered Amamake. As usual there was an NPC harassment in progress forcing Sobczynski to take immediate action. Two attempts to prosecute the Thorax pilot failed. Despite of breaking the Thoraxes tank and destroying two flights of Hammerhead I drones the perpetrator got away by using ECM once again.

Log Abstract:
[ 2011.02.13 23:16:07 ] (notify) Target is invulnerable.
[ 2011.02.13 23:16:08 ] (notify) Target is invulnerable.

gf everybody!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

This Ain't No Holiday

I woke the same as any other day, you know I should have stayed in bed.

Soundgarden, The Day I Tried to Live

I'm reading a lot of eve related blogs and I'm not surprised most more or less focus on the hip parts of space flight. Killing battleships with bare hands. (I highlighted that to attract readers-just wanted you to know.) Fitting. Ridiculous amounts of money. Dating cheap floozies. You know.

Handbrake Warning? Oil Check?
Warp Thingy Underheatification?
But in the wet and deep, deeeep trenches of Eve pilotery there's so much more "fun" to be had: Numerous are the technical problems many frigate pilots fear more than combat - I'm sure everybody has seen those flashing warning lights in the overview when electricity shorts out in mid warp at least once -, the clunking and rattling noises from the cheap plastic interior in those pricey faction cruisers, cramped and narrow hangars, moldy and smelly rental helmets, the bad food at Amarr stations ... I could go on for hours.

I'm aware I may be having just another bad week, but I'm pissed to the gills. Last friday leaving the hangar at Pator Tech School Headquartes after a rather annoying series of meetings I noticed another pilot had crashed into my Rupture and left. He must have hit it while backing up. Am I old fashioned or isn't it common sense to leave a note on the windshield with insurance information? But ok, I can cope with that.

Earlier today I left my cabin at the Siseide Retail Center and went straight to the hangars. Not yet completely awake I sneaked past that bosomy chick behind the rental counter. (Past couple of weeks she was hitting on me like I was some kind of popstar from outer space, but that face ... I think the character creator should not allow stuff like that!) I went to my Rupture, turned the key and ... nothing. Well, almost nothing: Just fffp-fffp-fffp-fffp. No ignition. That sorry excuse for a space ship wouldn't start. Fuck. I yelled at my alt on the com but she told me she didn't leave the lights on or anything …
Ok, I calmed down a little and called the friendly people from the ESVA (Eve Space Vehicle Association). After an hour or so the guy showed up and jump started my ship, telling me to fly like 200AU to recharge the damn battery. I think, ok, that better be it.

It's not like that at all!
Now, after twelve hours of working in the coal mines I just want to fly home, like normal people do. I go to the corporate hangar's top deck and, you guessed it, turning the key that piece of crap walks out on me again. I'm running out of anger management techniques here!

Wasn't piracy supposed to be glamorous? All the brochures and trailers only showed explosions and pirate broads and this is what I get? I have to reconsider my career choice. Seriously. I want to live on one of those damn planets again and sit on trees and let those damn apes take care of business!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Interstellar Dramiel Burst Postponed

There I sat in my Rupture minding my own business. You know, like running through management Powerpoint slides about how Pator Tech School will change the NPC corporation game in Q3 ("significantly") and how to improve KPIs within my board area, which had been renamed (again) recently to Piracy and Piracy Related Services (PTS PPRS) when suddenly this rambunctious Dramiel shows up on scan with a rather young pilot behind the wheel.

Heart Shaped Box
Now, there seems to be a rule that any pilot not currently sitting in or in fleet with a Dramiel hates that little frigate.  Rest assured, I'm a rare exception to this rule, I just think they should all go to faction hell the second they undock. Musing about Dramiels and their general hateability, life, the universe and everything I had an idea: Wouldn't it be nice if this Dramiel had an unfortunate accident?

Only few minutes later, the faction frigate still on scan I pulled myself together: Why should I rely on accidents happening here?

I'm a pirate damn it and every ship on scan is an accident waiting to happen!

Soon after I figured out which one was the warp button the warm vibrations of my warp drives caressed my butt - I was about to put myself in a belt hoping the Dramiel would join. Meanwhile I was building up my hate using a new technique I had been taught at a PTS workshop last tuesday, by imagining the Dramiel pilot chatting with his Dramiel buddies in a Dramiel pilots only channel, laughing about us non-Dramiel pilots. Boy, that got me angry! PVP, you know, is all about the right amount of hate and stuff.

In a fast german pirate faction ship, I'm amazed that I survived.
An airbag saved my life!
A few seconds after I arrived 100km from the belt the Dramiel followed and burned towards my position. As usual I overheated everything and as he entered the 35km radius I started my MWD flying away from him and let slip the dogs of war. Also I had a blood thirsty flight of Warrior II drones sent his direction.

The hard part of killing a Dramiel with a Rupture is to actually hit it without dying first. It's even harder not to let them warp out once they see you refuse to die first. And the hardest part of them all is to see them actually do it. I cried when the Dramiel warped out in hull while my coward crew was relieved to live another day.

OK, there goes my plan to keep my blog posts short, simple and informative. I seem to have exhausted all my energy before I even started to write about what I set out to in the first place: How I killed that same Dramiel a few days later. This, much like the destruction of the faction frigate, will have to be postponed.