What's in My Rifter's Tape Deck?

Unfinished Business 5: What's in my Rifter's Tape Deck?

In reply to Flee on Sight: A Glimpse at Chaos:

"So the question is this, what do you listen to when PvPing?"

I must admit that I can't stand any noise when I'm in a fight, I need all concentration not to screw up. But during system scans I'm usually humming a nice EVE inspired Bob Marley tune:

"I'm scannin', I hope you like scannin' too ...

I'm scannin', and I'm scannin' in the name of the Lord!"
This tune is really versatile too, you can sing it when scamming in you favourite trade hub or if you're german, which is totally true in my case!

I'm german! Alright! And I hope you like germans too!

Unfinished Business 32: Camouflage

Newman: I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.
Jerry: Define rarely.
Newman: Frequently.

In stage in EVE, where I find less and less nice solo fights I've come to wonder why. While when I was starting solo PVP, as a few month old pilot I never had to wait long until someone engaged. I was an easy target non-flashing yellow or with positive security status even. One indicator that I must have been fighting almost constantly is that I used to carry nanite repair thingies because I often had the next fight within the gcc period without being able to dock and rep up. I haven't been buying nanites for months now.

Looking back on this time I think creating my character in January was a very good idea, because for almost 12 months I had this 2010 label on me indicating that I was just a noob. I think there's a lot of psychology going on in a pilots mind when he looks up your char info and tries to decide whether to engage or not. And there's things I can do to make people engage more often:

• Security Status: At the beginning it feels like an accomplishment to be -10 and flashy and all that crap, but I think this just scares people. Ratting cruisers safe up when you enter local with your Rifter and they will only engage with a gang as backup. Not good. I've come to the conclusion I have to get out the red zone to find more fights. It needn't be 0.0, but some number that doesnt look like I'm podding people just for fun.
• Killboard: i should have never started to post my kills on a public killboard. This is just plain stupid. But well, pirates are vain too when it comes to their kills. I can't change that now. If I could change that I would have posted only losses. Not surprizingly some people are much smarter than I am.
• Character Bio: Ah, vanity again, thy name be pirate. I have a link to my blog there. Not good. I should post a mining corporations description there and some childish citations from witty conversations in different colors and all in CAPs. Which brings me to the next section:
• Behaviour in Local: I don't think I'm very far from reaching this goal but from a PVP standpoint I think it's wise to look as stupid as possible in local. Not being able to spell, using CAPs, asking all kinds of stupid questions can do wonders. I've taken a lesson in talking like a twelve year old US boy (thanks Miura!), but I think I still can't pull that off convincingly.

Unfinished Business 9 1/2: Super Villain Noob

I'm still publishing drafts from my blog because I'm leaving. How much of this crap is left in the drafts folder you ask? PLENTY! Now on to a post of unmatched grandeur. I wish all my posts had been this succinct. That  would have spared you a lot of trouble.

Catalyst in a belt. Horrible crime in the works. Sobczynski warps in to save the day.

Unfinished Business 8: Untitled

Another unfinished post, obviously the overture to a magnificent Rifter fist fight. I think I killed the Hookbill after stalking it for hours.

Jumping into the system I immediately felt something was wrong. And I don't mean I felt it like I feel a cool breeze coming on on a warm summer night. I mean I felt it like a planet crashing into my face. I had entered Bogelek, the worst scum hole in the known universe, and two young ruffians were in local. A quick scan revealed a Dramiel and a Caldari Navy Hookbill - a deadly combination, much like a marmot in a bathtub going after your Johnson. From previous experience I expected them to have guns attached to their ships!

People, let me get this straight: Pator Tech School is committed to make New Eden a great place for the whole family. No sex, no profanity, no violence!
Eurolring Korneri, CEO Pator Tech School

Now one thing at a time, I've decided to enforce that no-violence policy first. Flipping through the Rifter's manual pages I did not only not find the section on how to deal with unruly faction frigs (and I remembered the other day when I ... ah never mind, that story ain't safe for work), I didn't find the manual in my trunk in the first place. What a crap.

Unfinished Business 14: Loooot

A small peek into my Rifter's cargo hold after a 48 hour roam. Turns out a lot of you guys are carrying a lot of books. Weird. I like the hand crafted wooden faction chair best. Looks comfy! I think the chandelier eventually fit into one of my unfortunate Slicers.

Nice chandelier, eh?

Unfinished Business 4: CSI Siseide

This post came to me when one time I crashed a rookie mining operation in Egghelende. All that I left was wrecks and corpses and I wondered how that would look like to a pilot passing by. Oh boy ... I even had a screen shot photoshopped with crime scene tape and blood all over the asteroid field. Can't find it now though.

[with Max Payne voice]
I warped in from the dark and cold. The belt was a mess. Piles of hot metal, wrecks, corpses scattered all over the place. Minutes ago this had been a screaming hell, lasers cutting through the void, burning flesh, bullets tearing holes into civilian ships.

A low sec mining operation that had gone very very wrong.

Ever since I joined CSI Siseide I hoped I would get used to it. But I didn't.

The incoming reports had mentioned a pirate ship that had raided a newbie mining operation in this belt. I had seen this before. The fight must have taken less than a minute. A Civilian Miner fit Catalyst had been blown to pieces by artillery fire, probably in a few volleys. What was left of the pilot was arranged across an asteroid.

Unfinished Business 32: PVP Secrets

I know a lot of sources like Wensley's overrated Rifter Guide are all about fitting and tactics. In this unfinished posts I prove them all wrong! (And let's add a good ship name to all remaining posts, dammit.)

For years many discussions in the EVE Online community circle around the misconception, that a good fit is essential for PVP success. This is however not true. PVP success comes from ship naming and from ship naming alone. I think there will be no debate over that ships must be named after songs. But which songs will crack your opponents shields? Which sound will help you to dispatcherate the enemy fleet?

Unfinished Business 3: Rifter Safety Recall

I'm clearing out my blog's draft box. This one is a rather longish intro to a Rifter killing spree I had one weekend with about 10 or 15 victims.

A few weeks ago the Minmatar manufacturer of the Rifter announced a mandatory safety recall on approximately 47,300 Rifters to fix a problem with the rear drive while backing up: In some rare circumstances the gasket between the ships engine exhaust and the bubble water pipe of the on board hot tub heatificator could break  - well I don't understand a single word here except hot tub, but the consequences are pretty clear: - causing the brave pilot to be fried in his Rifter like the pale nerd I am on the beach of Ipanema in the hot summer sun. (I would very much include a picture of that beach but I'm afraid to because I'm writing this from my PTS office in Amamake and I suspect they're monitoring my network traffic since the last incident.) Needless to say I immediately returned my Rifters to the repair shop and got me some patched ones from the Pator Tech School corporate hangar.

Unfinished Business 7: A Wolf at the Door

Another post from the trash bin. I think it's the first post I wrote EVAR. I think most of this has been recycled into various other posts of varying unimportance. 

There I am in Egghelende, minding my own damn business (which is scanning frigs to exterminate them with EXTREME PREJUDICE!) when suddenly a Rifter appears on scan I've seen earlier in an Auga belt spending quality time with a Wolf. Since no ship was harmed then I assumed they worked together. Boy am I smart sometimes!

So during all this own-damn-business-minding I tried to jump on the Rifter several times just to find the Wolf or a Jaguar or even nothing at all. It was getting late (almost 11p.m., payamah time!) so I though I might as well push it and try to engage the Wolf. I figured I could take on the Wolf at range in case it's an AB fit and still manage to disengage in case I found the incoming damage unbearable.

So, feeling as frisky as a twelve year old swedish boy, I warped in, pointed the Wolf which obviously had an AB fitted and started to RAIN BULLETS ON HIM. After a few seconds the Rifter and the Jaguar invaded our privacy and I warped out. Now, bear in mind I'm often in Amamake and I admire the smacking skills exposed there, but well, I don't really have what it takes to be a decent smacker ... Ok, so I tried to start a shy smack-ola ("[...] not so good [...]", I'm not sure it's even SMACK without referring to genitals or fat ugly mommas) with subtle emphasis on the gangs un-ability to kill a solo Rifter.

I was surprised and pleased to the MAX to see it worked! This time the Wolf warped in and let me work on his shields and armor. When I got through to the wooden inner shell his friends appeared again but I wouldn't let go until it's complete disassembly.
Seconds after the Wolf exploded the Jaguar put my Rifter to sleep.

It died, like so many new ships of it's class, it died before it's time after only five kills and one or two pods. In your wisdom, Lord, you took it, as you took so many bright flowering new ships in Jita, in Eszur, at 3-1 in Amamake ...

Good night, sweet prince.

Unfinished Business 11: Extreme Hottubbing

A tribute to the one and only place for erotic space role play! I know I've created a few uncomfortable situations there. Forgive me comrades!

"Suze, is this thing on?"
The Hot Tub Crew on the brink of unknown delights.

After a day's hard work securing the space lanes there's nothing like sharing a Hot Tub with fellow pirates. Plunging into a tepid pool of our own filth, watching all kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around us, washing off that stench of fear and failure, relaxing. That's what this is all about I keep telling myself while I explore the bloated and pale bodies around me.

Saftsuze created the hot tub channel for solo PVP addicts which want to share intel. Usually this concept backfires due to the weird nature of many conversations here. I think I was afk-on-a-gate more than once while reading up on the latest "intel".

Unfinished Business 9: Corpse Collection

Still publishing the leftovers from the drafts folder of my blog. And I'm still looking for a reason to quit! Come on people, I know you're all filthy rich!

All those corpses. I have a hanger full of corpses, male, female, of people I've killed and some that I picked up just because I find it disgusting to leave them floating in space.

But to be honest, I think I can't keep that going, they're stinking up the place. There's been this chick from the helmet rental near the hangar at Siseide, she had been hitting on me like I was Justin Bieber or something but recently she's giving me the meh'. And I think that's because of the corpses and the smell coming from my hangar boxes. All these first weeks in high sec when I thought I might impress the ladies with a nonchalant "do you wanna come upstairs? I'll show you my corpse collection." line. Oh vanity, thy name is Sobczynski.

Try to create this,
"Character Creator"!

I think one of them is following me with her eyes. She looks like Christina Ricci in Buffalo 66 which isn't particularly helpful either. Bosomy. Creepy stuff.

Also I decided to have moral issues with corpses in my hangar.

The corpses have to go.

---

Now and then I'm getting a little melancholic and I start thinking about all those thirty-five bodies I lost and all the immortal souls attached to those bodies. Where are they now? Do they rest in peace? Have they been deleted from the databases of that almighty entity we call CCP? I'm sure many of my pretty good looking nacked bodies are on display in a space perverts hangar doomed to be part of an unholy collection and proof of the owners PVP skills. Oh how I yearn to set them free. Why is that? I guess my current incarnation is still somehow connected to the previous ones, but who the hell knows, I'm not a very spiritual person.

Unfinished Business Part 1: Overheating Doesn't Smell Like Strawberry Milk or: Mom I Overheated the Whole Shit or: My Ship Smells Like Shit

Now with me quitting EVE and abandoning this blog I still have some stuff in the trunk. Unfinished posts, ideas and all that. First in the series of paralipomena is an unfinished gem from last year with a title like strawberry milk. I don't really remember where the whole post was supposed to be heading but then again that was not unusual.

1MN Afterburner with 60% Heat Damage

So you've been forced into a fight by some criminal ratting in a belt. And to finish him off quickly you overheated some of you modules. Bam! There's your problem!

Now this is a problem that makes me dispose of a Rifter after a few fights: I actually overheat almost all of the modules all the time, so after the fight the whole ship starts smelling pretty funky. Now I've tried to put those anti-smell things on the rear view mirror but both only combined to another evil stink. Now granted you can get hooked on that stink stuff in a good way, but I usually decide: The funk has to go!

I've tried everything: I jumped with open side windows, I even I parked the ship near a sun with open windows but it doesn't help. Neither did strawberry milk.

Rage Lot Quittery! Galore!

I think this is it.

I'm quittin'. Now, I have no reason to quit, which feels bad in a strange way, you know, like wasting a good opportunity. I know there are  many people out there which would very much like to rage quit just to show CCP who's BOSS.

Spaceboy is sleepy now.

You hate the captains quarters? Hell yeah!
You'd like to nerf null sec? Count me in!
You want to nerf empire? Who's trying to stop me?
Jump freighters un-nerf anyone?
Mission rewards system too ... whatever?
Dramiel too powerful?
Station games?
Those are all the last straws!
(It's a shame I haven't been following the blogs lately so I'm not sure whats the rage of the month now. Anyways. Focus. Just once more ...)

Now here's the punch line: If you would very much like to quit EVE to show CCP your anger, but fuckdammit you love this game too much to leave it, I can do it for you (unfortunately just for one of you!):

1. You name the reason why I should quit and I'll write a raging post about it. You know, to stir up some shit in the blogosphere. Millions of readers! The press will get to know what's REALLY going on in EVE!  
2. Then I guess there's a form I can fill out to tell CCP once again why I'm quitting. Then I'll cancel my subscription and CCP will know your cause matters! Cancellation hurts them badly. I heard it's the real worlds equivalent to gate gun fire! Yeah really!

I was a ... well ... not a pirate exactly ... but I shot people for profit, -- oh boy, that doesn't sound right at all! -- now I'll quit for profit. And I'm talking about seriouz money here. At least one ... eh ... hundred thousand ISK. No less! 100,000 ISK is the minimum bid.

Post sum and emu rage quit reason NAO!

Ah yeah, another thing: I really don't need the ISK, cos I'm quitting, right? But I want it nevertheless, it's just for fun, like everything I did in EVE. Except hauling maybe. And trading. And buying implants. With the ISK I will either fund a Rifter roam in MY HONOR (YOU HEARD ME!) or some research to make gate guns deadlier.  

300 DPS ain't hurtin for shit in this universe, Selma!

War on Mission Runners

In the ongoing PTS campaign War on Mission Runners I haven't seen much action lately. My probing ships sitting scattered and unused in stations with complicated sanitary conditions where my usual ship hangars were first transformed into an ugly dude with a moustache (and it wasn't Saftsuze!) then later into a scary door that never opens. The longer I look at it the more I'm scared of what's behind!

Tracking disruptors don't kill people, guns kill people!

Anyway. All weekend I was busy losing expensive ships: My first faction fit Slicer, my experimental Jaguar and worst of all a bunch of my beloved Rifters. That left me with only my Firetail which is a gift from Doctor Genocide who gave it to me for no reason! Also I secretly suspect he's no Doctor at all cause he tends to kill people and cats rather than ... ehm ... doing academic stuff ... like reading the newspaper and ... ahm ... wearing glasses. So that Firetail was all I had left - I down fitted it somewhat to make for a less embarrassing lossmail and I set sail for unknown shores.

After some poking here and some fine spelunking there I found two Dramiels in Gulmorogod, one of them piloted by the known conscientious objector Angel Rodriguez. I know these guys are supposed to be fragile so I set course to a planet to scare him straight. We met there and yada yada yada, I warped out in hull and barely alive.

The second Dramiel was still in a mission. Angel and one of his corp mates were trying to talk him into a 1v1, but he wouldn't. Also there were a lot of sisters on scan. I decided to give it a try myself, and I docked and changed into a probing ship littering the system with another five Sister's probes. The target in the mission was very nervous now, warping between safe spots I couldn't get 100% lock on him. But eventually the other pirates left the system and he returned to his mission. After maybe 20 minutes of waiting and probing (Angel and other people passing by made him leave the mission every time!) I had him. I changed back into my Firetail of ... Utter Destruction warped through a few gates ... and found myself 40 kilometers from him. D'oh! But fortunately he engaged!

Now why am I telling you all this? Well, I read this excellent blog post the other day. And while it's true that belt PVP is the foundation of my low sec activities I think that hunting mission runners is what puts piracy into ... hmm ... whatpiracyisallabout. Belt PVP is mostly consensual, I mean, come on, who except for a few rookies rats or mines in low sec? Nobody, that's who!

Probing missions is much less frequent and since probes are in the overview by default (thanks for nothing CCP!)  it is much harder to do. I love the preparation and the suspense and all those stupid assumptions I'm making while moving my probes. And when I get one, it's so much more rewarding!

GF everybody!

PTS Slashes Skill Hardwiring Budgets

Financial Crisis hit PTS hard, forcing the corporation to save on expenses. No more free strawberry milk. Bye, bye beloved unisex hot tub. And most painfully they cut on the budgets for implants, meaning that people that get podded often will have to restrain themselves to the cheapest implants available. Shopping for hardwirings again I focused on bargains for solo frigate PVP pilots. From that large list of hardwirings - most of them being useless for me or ridiculously overpriced - I'll discuss just a few, the ones I actually bought are typeset in bold. My focus of course is long range frigate PVP and looking good in all circumstances.

Mom has one too! (+3% radio reception ftw)

Slot 6

1. SX-1 (gunnery): 3% MOAR small projectile damage. Who in their right mind wouldn't want that? Cheap (600,000 ISK)!
2. ZET100 (armor): 3% less repairer duration, cheap (500,000 ISK), but meh.
3. MY-1 (navigation): 3% MOAR speed for just 500,000 ISK? Not bad, not bad at all!

Slot 7

1. ZET200 (armor): 3% less cap need for REMOTE repper (200,000 ISK). I think this is a must for for cookie cutter Rifter pilots. Edit: Yeah right, my fault! I should have known this sounds too good to be true.Thanks Jack!
2. AY-1 (agility): 3% MOAR agility, this is hands down the best rig for this slot, but it's 7 million ISK! No way I can squeeze that into my budget.

Slot 8

1. ZET300 (armor): 3% MOAR hull! It was cheap (400,000 ISK)  so I bought that in case I hop into another hull tanking Taranis soon!

Slot 9

1. ZGA100 (gunnery): +3% optimal range for all turrets, for just 550,000 ISK? F*** YEAH!
2. GY-1 (navigation): -3% MWD capacitor need. Good for faction frig MWD addicts.

Slot 10

1. KZA-1000 (gunnery): 3% less CPU need for all guns. Pretty cheap and might help you to fit those T2 guns on that Rifter.

The Jaguar and the Wolf

Rifter Cockpit: In your face brushed aluminium! 

Yesterday I was on sick leave from the office due to a serious strawberry milk intoxication. I had been throwing up all day but in the evening I took the liberty to take a stroll through Amamake. Nothing special, just enjoying the cool evening breeze, the sound of distant gun fire, the smell of corpses piling up at the Ossogur gate. And I met an Incursus and a Rifter doing the same. The Incursus went down surprisingly fast, so I was still in mint condition when I switched to the Rifter. Within few moments I could already see the ship's tasteful wooden interior through the pierced hull when a Dramiel entered the stage and burnt towards us. Needless to say I don't fancy fighting Dramiels in my Rifter. So I warped out.

Well with the strawberries and all the fighting my memory is a little fuzzy on the next 40 minutes, but I guess there was another Rifter I sent back to it's manufacturer in the sky before I scanned a Jaguar at a planet. I checked my supplies on Fusion and tried to summon my Tatrah, which is, in the believes of my people, the holy spirit within me. I have no confidence problem, but just to make sure, you know. I wanted that Jaguar dead and I believe strongly that made up Tatrah stuff can help. And if not, it wouldn't hurt, would it?

I know what you're thinking: Another post that goes nowhere. And you're right. But I swear, I had a plan: Short introduction, a little background story involving contaminated strawberries and then directly to the topic. Then a little we-learned-a-valuable-lesson-here. And then hit "post". But ok, ok, I can still fix this post! Focus Sobczynski, focus!

Jaguar wreck as I imagined it.

I don't exactly know where it was, but eventually I was able to put my disruptor on the unregistered assault frigate and I unleashed my 80 DPS on him. This wasn't my first rendezvous with a Jaguar, so I knew I had to be careful and I asked my mail order crew to stay at 16 kilometers from the enemy. After some discussions and mails with the headquarters we decided to go for that and work on the his shields a little until lunch. It felt like ten minutes, but the logs show that for four minutes we were clubbing him with all we had. Republic Fleet Fusion S from 16 kilometers. Republic Fleet Fusion S from 12 kilometers. For the most part I wasn't taking any damage until he switched to barrage. Adding to my misery I was forced to reload and from my porch window I watched helplessly the Jaguar repping up half his shields while my guns were blinking stupidly! I was still taking damage and the crew started sending me mails and threatened me to talk to the work council, so when we reached half hull I agreed to retreat! I was so mad I pushed one of the kids that shovel the coal into the oven out of the air lock!

Twenty minutes later - everything repaired, I even remembered to pick up a few new boxes of Fusion! - I scanned the same ship in Siseide. I engaged again, eager to get him this time. And not just for the killmail.
Somewhere I have to draw a line in the sand and show them who's BOSS in low sec solo PVP! And I failed again, in a very humiliating way. Four minutes into the fight, I was still in tip top shape this time, carefully navigating, no damage, the vicious cat without most of his shields already and then suddenly: I BURNED OUT MY GUNS! Can you imagine? How stupid was that? (The best answer to that question wins an artillery Rifter supply of RF Fusion S charges!) I asked for help in some channels, but nobody was nearby. I tried to contact guys from the neighboring pirate corps in Egghelende - nobody I knew was online! Meanwhile the Jaguar pilot rejected my cocky offer of a ransom and maneuvered his vessel back into the asteroids where finally I had to let him go. Cruel fate!

Imaginary Wolf wreck
floating in space.

Epilogue
A few days later I scanned a Wolf in Siseide and after some chasing I recognize the Jaguar pilot. I engaged with my Artillery Rifter, this time he had an MWD fit so I couldn't kite him, but with high tracking ammunition I was hitting him well enough on close range. I died, but it was a fun fight and very close nevertheless. I figured I'd have a better chance using my 400 mm plated Rifter, so I fetched it from my Siseide hangar. This time the fight was so close that when I exploded I first thought it was him, but alas …

Well played, Mr Kress! GF!

Shrink

Gotta see somebody ...

Every pilot has a breaking point. And I my friends, may just have reached mine.

I used to think that wouldn't happen to me. I used to make dirty jokes about those pilots that didn't want to get back in a combat ship after being podded. I used to laugh about pilots that hesitated to pod innocent miners.

Now where do I start, where do I start? I haven't slept in days. I'm cracking up!

I had found a Rifter pilot in an Amamake belt, I engaged, destroyed the ship, warp disrupted the pod. When I opened coms to negotiate a fee my request was blocked. I sent a gf through local and shot the pod. Thirty minutes later in Siseide I noticed a familiar looking Rifter, the same guy, Jeremaya, obviously looking for revenge. Just to get on with our lives I warped to a random belt and waited. Few seconds later the unfortunate Jeremaya followed and again my mighty 280mm guns prevailed and I also managed to point his pod. Now I didn't really want to pod him as I saw a friendly gf flashing up in local, but I was all like click disruptor, ctrl+click pod, click guns and wait. Before I knew it his pod was exterminated and that lonely gf which I wasn't able to return blinked there in local. Accusingly. Why did I pod him a second time? I really didn't want to! Oh, what had I done? The guilt, the unbearable guilt!

I have podded dozens of pilots and I have been podded dozens of times too. I don't know whats different this time. But I know I gotta see a shrink or I'll be cracking up! I will consult that shrink at Pator Tech School headquarters, I need some ... HALP. What is happening to me?

The Greatest Thing since Bread Came Sliced

[Yeah yeah, I know this is an old post. Google ate it, coughed it up and yada yada yada here it is again! Not that it got any better.]

Kramer: Oh, I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't even see them.
Elaine: How did you know you cut it?
Kramer: Well ... I guess I just assumed.

I can see you perverts!

Let's have this out of the way right from the start: The Slicer is no looker. While some mistakenly believe the design is taken from two knifes, to - d'oh - "slice things up" to me it looks more like two uneven toe nails. You know like those you found behind the couch in the room of that room mate which disappeared months ago after she had that long talk with those weird guys and she seemed a little spaced out that whole evening and said she needed to clip her nails really urgently and later it turned out she wasn't a girl after all? But I'm willing to lower my asthetic standards for the Slicer. I love the damn thing! And after a short rethoric break to increase suspension and with a slightly lower voice I will explain why.

From forums and blog posts I gather that there's an approximate number of 200 DPS a small ship must be able to dish out to solo effectively. Effectively here means being able to engage and kill the enemy's ship before the obvious support gang warps in. My personal answer to that particular low sec dilemma is not DPS but range and speed: My primary tool is the '89 Rifter with 280mm curlers. That Rifter is faster than any AB frigate I met so far and I can give the opponent a proper facial peeling from outside scram range. If his friends show up I simply warp out on him and maybe I'll moon him later from a safe distance.

OK, I could cross that bridge now I've prepared so masterfully, from that long range flavour Rifter to the long range Slicer. But I'm still not done with its looks, dammit. So toenails aside: What's the deal with those headlights? I mean, is it supposed to blind the opponent like a rabbit? To be completely honest with you, I just mentioned that so I can embed this awesome video which does not have any rabbits at all. Except in the title.

Ok, so the Slicer is the obvious choice for the 280mm Rifter pilot. With T2 Medium Pulse Lasers, Scorch and a tracking helper I have an optimal of more than 20 kilometers to safely and conveniently MWD-orbit the victim. My pussy fit does like 140 DPS overheated, and yes I went for the DC instead of a gyrostabilizer heat sink. I've got this fit from Panthe Tek, a great admirer of the Slicer, who got it from another guy and then I made it a little uncooler with the DC to fit my german angst flying style:

[Imperial Navy Slicer, Angst]
Damage Control II
Beta Reactor Control: Capacitor Power Relay I
Overdrive Injector System II
Tracking Enhancer II
Local Hull Conversion Nanofiber Structure I

Catalyzed Cold-Gas I Arcjet Thrusters
Warp Disruptor II

2xMedium Pulse Laser II, Scorch S

Small Energy Burst Aerator I
Small Energy Locus Coordinator I
Small Low Friction Nozzle Joints I

The problem I'm currently working on is that I'm losing it like a Rifter: Frequently. But this post has taken enough of your time now, I'll postpone the whining about my losses!

T1 Cruiser Purdification Backfire

Surrender your mysteries to me!

A stubborn heart shall fare evil at the last; and he that loveth danger shall perish therein.

Sirach 3:72

On my long voyage to purdify New Eden there's situations when I know the odds are bad but I have to take action. Consider the Celestis for example. The Celestis - and I want to be completely honest with you - is one ass ugly bird. On a scale of ugliness - where most gallente ships inhabit the upper (uglier) quarter - ... or, let me put it this way: In a universe of ugly ships the Celestis would still rank high among that universe's ugliest. In summary:

The Celestis poses a severe disturbance to the aesthetic balance in the force!¹

Seriously, I'm just messin with you kids, I think the Celestis is a marvelous ship. I will tell you why in a second.

Part IX of Minmatar 
Girls Gone Wild

I've had only few encounters with this Gallentian beauty, only two I can remember and both caught me off guard in my Rifter while all along I was thinking I caught them off guard. Until I was sitting in my pod that is.
A few days ago, I had just finished watching the surprisingly well directed Debbie does Heimatar (with a spectacular Bambi Woods' PvP jump clone) I spotted a Celestis in a belt and with the strong feeling that there's an aesthetic correction waiting to be performed I engaged at my comfy range. Drones? Sure, but not a problem as far as I remember. What I distinctly remember is that at some point I was getting too close. Web range close. Dual web range close! (Which is essentially the same as single web range, but I wanted to use this rhetoric figure thing to catch your attention, you little internet junkies! I know you're secretly longing to play HALO on your ATARI!)

And that was it for this Rifter.

Now I wouldn't have mentioned this if I hadn't found another Celestis yesterday, other pilot, other belt, same System: Siseide. Again I was very tempted, I warped in at 100km and watched. The pilot jumped to another belt, he didn't seem too eager to fight. Now that was a cunning move, because it pushed me over the edge: I followed the guy to the next belt and engaged at 20km to work on his coating. A set of T2 drones was unleashed and I managed to take out two or three before my opponent called them back. Meanwhile an unwelcome tracking disruptor had been working on my artilleries tracking, and I noticed I was doing too little damage. So I went in just a little closer. Just a liiiittle. 12800m. Ka-ba-ba-boom!

Solo Rifter pilots beware!

Now in concludification of this post: I'm very unpleased to see more and more anti-frig cruisers out there. I guess most of them will be after shiny Dramiels kills with these fits - which I support wholeheartedly - but there will be a lot of Rifters in the by-catch, like the those Dolphins accidentally caught by tuna trawlers!

Anyways, GF everybody!

¹Now go and put this into your red pilot's notebook!

Incursion in da Hood

"Should super heroes commit a crime? Even to save lives? I need moral guidance. Bender?"
Philip J. Fry

In English: Free Loot!

I've been sacrificing a lot of ships to the space gods. A lot of good ships and some were virgins, too! But strutting around belts and safe spots in strange patterns and weird fits like some cotton pickin quack from the Micronesian backwoods didn't bring the much needed rain to the hemp fields of my home planet! But it paid off in another unexpected way: The gods sent me a Sansha Incursion in Auga and the surrounding systems! On a Saturday! Oh, my tormented soul, rejoice!

I never felt fighting was an integral part of piracy at all, as it usually involves losing assets now and then thus diminishing revenues. I'd rather just take the stuff from dead people's trunks. This Incursion thing gave me the option to just cut the PvP crap and loot all those wrecks piling up at the gates.

What you see is what you get!

My first scan immediately revealed a battleship wreck in Siseide, I warped in with my capsule and bookmarked the wreck: 720mm T2 guns and a lot of other nice T2 stuff (along with the pilot's dirty undies which I left there to rot for all eternity). Then I changed into a free (like in free beer!) Reaper and warped back to the wreck. From my prior experience with Sansha gate camps I knew I had to be very fast, but I had trained my fingers playing MADDEN NFL ALL WEEK ON MY XBOX BE4 GOING TO SCHOOL, so our new Sansha overlords were no match for me. I was zippin' all over the place without any decent restraint! During the the day I repeated this pattern, but somewhere in between my stupid RL alt insisted on going on a bike tour for a few hours because of the weather! Can you imagine this? Hours of looting lost just because that pathetic earth sun showed its ugly cancer inducing face ...

Anyway, I took mods worth over 70 million during the day, I'm sure many of the other looters may have got more, but I'm satisfied nonetheless. Most noteworthy two Cover Ops cloaks and a few cheaper faction items. Sometimes I used my capsule, sometimes my new Anathema (which now sports one of the new cloaks!) for bookmarking and I lost like 10 non-faction Reapers with ridiculously expensive cargo, but what the hell, it was all FREE! Another fun element in that chaos was the incursion channel stuffed with local pirates trying to lure gullible pilots to Pator Tech School station in Amamake, which is—in case you've never been there—the ugly mother in law of all permanent low sec station camps:

[ 2011.04.09 10:12:39 ] rev risingdawn > I'm trying ot fight this incursion but no one comes
[ 2011.04.09 10:13:11 ] rev risingdawn > formup is at pator tech school, you cna use fitting service of fleet carrier outside station if you need to refit from travel fit to combat fit
[ 2011.04.09 10:13:45 ] Saint Juliana > its risky doing this stuff in low sec. The filthy ammamake pirates could swoop in at any moment.
[ 2011.04.09 10:14:08 ] Sobczynski > pirates?
[ 2011.04.09 10:14:18 ] Micky Nox > By pirates you mean rev risingdawn? ,-)
[ 2011.04.09 10:15:02 ] Saint Juliana > exactly! They're already there - lol
[ 2011.04.09 10:15:03 ] rev risingdawn > I'm not a pirate I'm a guy who did bad things when drunk and has now sobered up and wants to kill the shanshas

Oh, how I was moved to see local pirates, faction war pilots and carebears unite in peace to fight back the Sansha invaders! It was like Enterprise TNG all over again! You know, like when Picard met these other guys and they didn't shoot each other for no reason?

Unfortunately the incursion ended somewhen Sunday afternoon while I was offline riding my bike in my RL alt. When I came back I was forced to pew and pew once again. Meh.

PVP Secrets #7: Failing in Style

Sentinel: Recommended with EAF V

I don't sleep too well these days. The ghosts of ships that were dear to me haunt me, the memories of long lost station floozies and of course my bladder which also interferes with long roams. (The facilities in those Minmatar ships are not very comfy and honestly, I'm a little finicky about toilets. I've visited the greatest station rest rooms in low sec. Hell, I'd take a camped low sec station without repair facility but with with a lavish toilet over a safe pig sty any day! One day I will write a book about this. Don't laugh, I've got publishers interested and shit!)

Now I don't sleep well these days. I've got bugs in my head. I think it affects my flying in ways that are weird and deeply confusing. For example I bought a new Sentinel the other day, beautiful craftsmanship, business package, intelligent light, sport suspension, alabandin grey[1]. Breathtaking! Some less required skills (e.g. EAF IV) were still in queue but I thought, well, a little killing meanwhile wont hurt the karma of the ship, right? Two jumps later I ran into a Jaguar pilot, which was not only willing to fight, but also seemed quite familiar with his ship while I was figuring out what all the buttons meant. Not sure whether I have mentioned this before, but I was raised in a Rifter, so I was still fiddling with the unfamiliar Amarr controls when suddenly I was confronted with the much simpler interface of my pod.

I wasn't lazy either: I 'm sure he capped out during the fight.

Yesterday our Pator Tech School company medical guy allows me to fly again and I jump back into my Rifter and almost instantly find a Covetor in Bosena. Killed, podded and looted the guy. I think I should have ransomed, but ok, I'm glad I didn't get killed by the mining vessel's T1 drones in the first place! With GCC still on I find a Vengeance in the same system. (Since reading this excellent post I was very eager to get my hands on one!) After some waiting, warping to and fro and finishing a bad egg salad sandwich I found the Vengeance at a gate to high sec, along with a cane. Let's warp to 100km and have a look!

Five Minutes of Raw Dogfight Thrill!

I immediately docked and pretended in local I didn't cry which was hard to do. Thank god a very friendly fellow felt my pain and offered a rookie ship duel during which I showed him who's BOSS![2] Thanks Captain! I won't go into details here, because, as Wensley said, "the logs show everything"!



[1] I don't make this stuff up, it's all in the brochure!
[2] Miura B. in the Overheated Redheads Channel.

Amamake Now!

It's been quiet lately because after a little R&R (fishing in Vard) I've been busy with a new special operation. One of our Pator Tech School pilots, Shadeslayer, a highly decorated newbie, had gone rogue somewhere in the vicinity of Amamake. With the help of a native Angel tribe he had established a regime of unmatched cruelty and was operating without any decent restraint terrorizing the whole area and camping Heretic Army at the PTS station. Quite obviously he had gone insane, totally insane and his methods had become unsound.

PTS Air Cavalry

I was assigned to terminate his command.

For days I had been travelling up the Metropolis pipe and finally, I found him in the heart of darkness, in Amamake, Belt VI-3, in a Thrasher, escorted by his native goons. The hunt was over. I didn't care about orders from PTS head quarters any more, I didn't care about this war. I just wanted this maniac dead.

Because my trusty PTS Patrol Rifter had already taken serious damage from prior engagements I decided to call in an air strike to clear the whole belt and everyone within a 300,000 kilometers radius. Soon after I dialled the number I had the headquarters on the horn:

"Hello Almighty, Almighty, this is Mellow Moustache, over."
"Mellow Moustache, this is Almighty, how may I direct your call, over."
"Almighty, this is Mellow Moustache, I need an air strike at Amamake VI-3 in like 15 minutes, over."
"Mellow Moustache, this is Almighty, I can create an air strike support ticket for you and second level support will get in touch with you as soon as possible, over."
"Almighty, this is Mellow Moustache, I don't need a ticket, I need an immediate air strike, over."
"Mellow Moustache, this is Almighty, please hold the line, I will forward your request to second level support in Ryddinjorn, over."

I was holding the line and five minutes later-crazy Shadeslayer fortunately still in the belt with his good time buddies-I got the automated support on the line:

"To access your killboard stats please press 1.
For information on the company ship order process please press 2.
To call in an air strike please press 3."

There goes my simple plan. Last week I spilt a Banana Milk Shake 2GO all over my com controls and some keys were still stuck, among others the much needed "3". So I selected "2" instead and got some information on the company ship order process. Turns out I can't order ships which emit more than 150mg of black matter per AU any more! Bummer.

Fifteen minutes later, unable to call in the air strike and totally devastated about the fact that the company ship order procedure had been changed once again I decided to go in without backup. Special Forces style.

Forcing the gear stick from P to "Mild Warp" and overheating everything including my new vibrating captain's chair I went all-in and landed some 10 kilometers from my target. As soon as I got in range I started shooting his fearsome ratting fit Thrasher. Throwing in all his nine days of training and EVE experience he gave me a hell of fight! And also the two escorting Angel frigates were all over me. But knowing the major weak spot of the Minmatar Destroyer I finally managed to land a wrecking shot at the parallel port (yes, the printer port!) and the wicked vessel transformed into metal space Goulash!

Midlife Challenge

Battle Cruiser Pilot Midlife Challenge

A man walks down the street,
he says why am I soft in the middle now?
Why am I soft in the middle?
The rest of my life is so hard.

Paul Simon, You Can Call Me Al

There's a time in every low sec pilot's live when he starts thinking, maybe while he's waiting in front of hebrew school to pick up the kids, sitting behind the controls of a comfortable and reasonable, lets say, T1 battle cruiser, pondering and waiting, looking at girl's butts passing by that are like half his age he wonders why his own buttocks aren't as spectacular as they used to be and he remembers having a hard time getting some weird greasy stuff out of his belly button when he showered in the morning. And what's the deal with all that hair growing in strange places? There's a certain time in every low sec pilot's live he decides it may be time to play with the character creator again to build a new breast enhanced alt and maybe buy a shiny faction frigate convertible and get away from all this stuff, live a little, try something new, something different from the old pew here, pew there. Maybe strutting around high sec, why not? Maybe run some missions.

For me, my friends, that moment was last friday, 6-ish. I lit a cigarette and let it pass. Then finally the kids showed up.

The Big Mousse Nerf

George: I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me.
Jerry: 'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me', is that what you said?

Seinfeld

Mousse prices are through the roof!
Are alliances stocking up for future conflicts?

This is the last straw CCP! While the new character creator and the Incursion PvE content were all over the blogs and forums there's been significant changes in game mechanics nobody seems to have noticed. And once again it's one of the honest PvP pilot's favorite tools that has been nerfed to uselessness during the last update.

Out of Bed had been my favorite hair goo for years now. It gave me the confidence and protection I needed to impress the chicks at the office and look good during all kinds of sticky combat situations. Now CCP has once again messed with the sensitive balance in the ecosystem without understanding the macro level outcomes!

Epic Mousse Fail

Last week I took off my helmet after a non stop 42 hour roam and I noticed I wasn't wearing the usual impressive crown of plush, but a greasy bathing cap made of hair. Even worse, I was very much looking like Miura Bull if he had been spanked hard after a hot date with a babe which ... I lost my train of thought. (Needless to say I failed to score that evening in the Reggae Lounge.)

After a few hours of research I discovered the formula for plushiness, durability and glitter had been changed. Why isn't this in the change logs? Why was there no prior discussion about this? What's the CSM's role in this wicked game of checkers?

Before you all ragequit, there's hope: Fortunately I found another mousse (Shock Wave Mess Constructor) that is able to satisfy my needs almost as good as Out of Bed did before the nerf. Also it comes in a red can which fits my security status way batter than baby blue!

PTS Low Security Space Patrol

Punisher Incident
(from Sobczynski Flight Protocol)

Lacking exciting stuff to report I decided to leak some confidential PTS low sec patrol flight reports from Sunday 13th 2011. Here we go:

Saturday, 2344: The Drakes Incident (Siside/Heimatar)
Pator Tech School (PTS) employee Sobczynski patrolling low sec notices two drakes harassing NPCs in a belt. Several attempts to separate and kite the offenders fail--incoming damage is surprisingly high. PTS equipment was damaged, but due to the extraordinary piloting skills employee Sobczynski gets his ship (Rupture) out alive every time. Finally a stern warning is issued to the criminal pilots through local.

Incident summary: Two or more Drakes can't be tanked in a Rupture.
Local chat evidence: [ 2011.02.13 00:06:06 ] Haoran Ning > lol

---

Cruor: Web and Neut FTW!

Sunday, 1250: Enemies at the Gate (Auga/Heimatar)
PTS employee Sobczynski was ambushed at the Amamake gate. PTS equipment (Rupture) and one enemy vessel (Crusader) destroyed.

Lesson learned (again): Avoid Auga/Amamake gate at all times. Even if you have to use the bathroom urgently.

---

Sunday, 1320: The Gate Gun Bug Report (Auga/Heimatar)
PTS employee Sobczynski loses PTS patrol vessel (SAR Rifter) due to a an error in Eve aggression mechanics. The bug causes gate guns to fire at PTS employees in case they attack a neutral target within gate gun range. CCP Quality Assurance has been informed.

Lesson learned: None!

---

Sunday, 1614: The Failed Stabber Fleet Issue Arrest (Aliette/Sinq Laison)
PTS employee Sobczynski fetches a Stabber Fleet Issue attempting to mind its own business. After several attempts to secure the Stabber Sobczynski decides to resort to the last step: Raw gun fire. But the enemies electronic counter measures lead to the destruction of a PTS Patrol Rupture.

---

Sunday, 1654: The Cruor Inspection Incident (Siseide/Heimatar)
A known offender refuses inspection of his Cruor. PTS employee Sobczynski insists. PTS equipment (Rifter) was destroyed.

Lesson learned: Check faction frigate boni before engaging.

---

I think I got a whiplash!

Sunday, 1751: The Failed Merlin Arrest (Siseide/Heimatar)
PTS employee Sobczynski's second attempt (using an Artillery Rifter) to arrest the Cruor pilot which was now using a Merlin fails after a long argument due to disruptor burnout. The offender fled the crime scene. Both vessels severely damaged. The offender refuses to pay his fine, legal department has been informed.

Log abstract: [ 2011.02.13 18:03:10 ] (notify) The module is too damaged to be onlined.

---

Sunday, 2017: The Vexor (Ezzara/Devoid)
PTS employee Sobczynski engaged a suspected NPC harasser and ore thief with his Rifter. The offending Vexor pilot failed to comply. Sobczynski's RL character's internet connection collapsed during the fight. PTS equipment severely damaged, repair facilities in Ezzara had to be used to restore the damaged PTS Patrol Rifter.

---

Sunday, 2211: The Punisher Incident (Egghelende/Sinq Laison)
PTS employee Sobczynski spotted a loitering Punisher pilot at a planet. After a rather long engagement the Punisher could be disposed of. Enemy reinforcements could be avoided.

---

Sunday, 2226: The Ishkur (Egghelende/Sinq Laison)
Another NPC harassment detected in an Egghelende belt. On approach PTS pilot Sobczynski's Rifter was shot at ruthlessly and had to disengage. The second attempt to resolve the issue by kiting the offender and defusing most of his Warrior II drones failed, because the Ishkur pilot managed to warp away before Sobczynski could close in for the final conciliation.

Lesson learned: While it's easy to pop webbed drones it's hard to keep the culprit pointed all the time.

---

Sunday, 2307: The Thorax (Amamake/Heimatar)
In a final desperate attempt to destroy his Rifter before midnight Sobczynski entered Amamake. As usual there was an NPC harassment in progress forcing Sobczynski to take immediate action. Two attempts to prosecute the Thorax pilot failed. Despite of breaking the Thoraxes tank and destroying two flights of Hammerhead I drones the perpetrator got away by using ECM once again.

Log Abstract:
[ 2011.02.13 23:16:07 ] (notify) Target is invulnerable.
[ 2011.02.13 23:16:08 ] (notify) Target is invulnerable.

---

gf everybody!

This Ain't No Holiday

I woke the same as any other day, you know I should have stayed in bed.

Soundgarden, The Day I Tried to Live

I'm reading a lot of eve related blogs and I'm not surprised most more or less focus on the hip parts of space flight. Killing battleships with bare hands. (I highlighted that to attract readers-just wanted you to know.) Fitting. Ridiculous amounts of money. Dating cheap floozies. You know.

Handbrake Warning? Oil Check?
Warp Thingy Underheatification?

But in the wet and deep, deeeep trenches of Eve pilotery there's so much more "fun" to be had: Numerous are the technical problems many frigate pilots fear more than combat - I'm sure everybody has seen those flashing warning lights in the overview when electricity shorts out in mid warp at least once -, the clunking and rattling noises from the cheap plastic interior in those pricey faction cruisers, cramped and narrow hangars, moldy and smelly rental helmets, the bad food at Amarr stations ... I could go on for hours.

I'm aware I may be having just another bad week, but I'm pissed to the gills. Last friday leaving the hangar at Pator Tech School Headquartes after a rather annoying series of meetings I noticed another pilot had crashed into my Rupture and left. He must have hit it while backing up. Am I old fashioned or isn't it common sense to leave a note on the windshield with insurance information? But ok, I can cope with that.

Earlier today I left my cabin at the Siseide Retail Center and went straight to the hangars. Not yet completely awake I sneaked past that bosomy chick behind the rental counter. (Past couple of weeks she was hitting on me like I was some kind of popstar from outer space, but that face ... I think the character creator should not allow stuff like that!) I went to my Rupture, turned the key and ... nothing. Well, almost nothing: Just fffp-fffp-fffp-fffp. No ignition. That sorry excuse for a space ship wouldn't start. Fuck. I yelled at my alt on the com but she told me she didn't leave the lights on or anything …
Ok, I calmed down a little and called the friendly people from the ESVA (Eve Space Vehicle Association). After an hour or so the guy showed up and jump started my ship, telling me to fly like 200AU to recharge the damn battery. I think, ok, that better be it.

It's not like that at all!

Now, after twelve hours of working in the coal mines I just want to fly home, like normal people do. I go to the corporate hangar's top deck and, you guessed it, turning the key that piece of crap walks out on me again. I'm running out of anger management techniques here!

Wasn't piracy supposed to be glamorous? All the brochures and trailers only showed explosions and pirate broads and this is what I get? I have to reconsider my career choice. Seriously. I want to live on one of those damn planets again and sit on trees and let those damn apes take care of business!

Interstellar Dramiel Burst Postponed

There I sat in my Rupture minding my own business. You know, like running through management Powerpoint slides about how Pator Tech School will change the NPC corporation game in Q3 ("significantly") and how to improve KPIs within my board area, which had been renamed (again) recently to Piracy and Piracy Related Services (PTS PPRS) when suddenly this rambunctious Dramiel shows up on scan with a rather young pilot behind the wheel.

Heart Shaped Box

Now, there seems to be a rule that any pilot not currently sitting in or in fleet with a Dramiel hates that little frigate.  Rest assured, I'm a rare exception to this rule, I just think they should all go to faction hell the second they undock. Musing about Dramiels and their general hateability, life, the universe and everything I had an idea: Wouldn't it be nice if this Dramiel had an unfortunate accident?

Only few minutes later, the faction frigate still on scan I pulled myself together: Why should I rely on accidents happening here?

I'm a pirate damn it and every ship on scan is an accident waiting to happen!

Soon after I figured out which one was the warp button the warm vibrations of my warp drives caressed my butt - I was about to put myself in a belt hoping the Dramiel would join. Meanwhile I was building up my hate using a new technique I had been taught at a PTS workshop last tuesday, by imagining the Dramiel pilot chatting with his Dramiel buddies in a Dramiel pilots only channel, laughing about us non-Dramiel pilots. Boy, that got me angry! PVP, you know, is all about the right amount of hate and stuff.

In a fast german pirate faction ship, I'm amazed that I survived.
An airbag saved my life!

A few seconds after I arrived 100km from the belt the Dramiel followed and burned towards my position. As usual I overheated everything and as he entered the 35km radius I started my MWD flying away from him and let slip the dogs of war. Also I had a blood thirsty flight of Warrior II drones sent his direction.

The hard part of killing a Dramiel with a Rupture is to actually hit it without dying first. It's even harder not to let them warp out once they see you refuse to die first. And the hardest part of them all is to see them actually do it. I cried when the Dramiel warped out in hull while my coward crew was relieved to live another day.

OK, there goes my plan to keep my blog posts short, simple and informative. I seem to have exhausted all my energy before I even started to write about what I set out to in the first place: How I killed that same Dramiel a few days later. This, much like the destruction of the faction frigate, will have to be postponed.